Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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