Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
