also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
