If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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