You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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