I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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