I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
