It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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