I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize