Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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