there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
