the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
