TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
