i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
