i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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