There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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