I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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