whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
