i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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