Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
