went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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