i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
