Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
