her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She's the barista slut.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
