Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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