hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
