I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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