He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize