My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
