Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize