I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
