I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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