I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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