My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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