Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I can't turn off my feet"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
