Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
