this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How's work?
Spinning.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
