Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize