i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
