I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
