Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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