I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
