I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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