I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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