Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Send help, water and tortillas.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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