the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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