Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
