whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
