Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
