by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize