I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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