If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
