Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he was CRYING into my vagina
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
