First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize