3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
