I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
