i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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