The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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