moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
