if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
